Peter Brady
May 21-June 21

You are usually a social guy, Peter. Remember when you threw yourself a party? No one showed, but what a great idea! You just wanted to be around friends. This month is one of those times when you should spend some time alone to sort out where you are headed in life. May will present ample opportunities to be around friends. Don’t turn down all the invites, but don’t overdo it. And don’t be critical of others now. Any disagreements you have with people are best put on hold until you sort out your path to happiness. Greg is too dour, Marcia is too self-absorbed and the rest of the gang is too dull-witted to understand your sarcastic wit. They take your constructive criticism as brusque condemnation of their boring lives. In May it’s better to be quiet and right then speak out and stir the Brady wrath.

Rog
June 22-July 22

Last month, if you were astrologically in-synch with the stars (and employed), you made some gains in the workplace by presenting new ideas to the boss. This month those great ideas get challenged, kicked around and run through the gristmill. Don’t despair, and don’t get all whiny like you usually do. Show that you have the leadership quality. If you ever hope to get out from under Momma and Dee’s skirts, now is the time. Be careful about mixing too much pleasure with business at this time. Remember what chaos breaks loose when you bring the wrong sort to the burger joint. You always try to create a homelike atmosphere wherever you go, and that is a mystery considering the strong personalities that hang around your house. Give it a rest. No dates during work hours and leave the work at the office. You’ll be surprised at how much better you’ll feel.

Pinky Tuscadero
July 23-August 22

You’ve been rockin’ and rollin’ around Milwaukee and beyond these last few months without much thought to your finances or the future. Now, suddenly, you realize you not only need some gas for the ol’ chopper, but the gaskets and brakes are shot and you really need some bitchin’ pink halter tops for summer cruisin’. Just how are you going to make that money? What kind of job is right for the Pinkster? According to you, O Great One, not many employers are worthy of your time. However, any type of job that helps your goal of becoming the world’s number one trashcan-jumping motorcyclist wouldn’t be a bad start. Even if that means pumping gas at the service station just to get a discount on parts for the bike. And speaking of career goals, just why do you want to be the world’s number one trashcan-jumping motorcyclist ? Fame? Money? Free pizza at Al’s? Remember what happened to Robby Knieval last year ...

Laurie Partridge
August 23-September 22

You know Laurie, if you keep saying, “I’m just a skinny, whiny, boring loser,” you’ll become one. (Actually, you’ll become an even bigger skinny, whiny, boring loser.) That whole power of positive thinking thing could do you some good. In your case, don’t expect miracles; but, even a slight improvement would help. Look at your good points. Friends can rely on you to lift their spirits. You always know just what to do to make them happy. Why not apply that same philosophy to your work situation? Try to be a little warmer around the other band members instead of being such a bitter pill. Things will probably go a lot better. Maybe Keith will even admit that the Albuquerque song was your idea.

Jo Pamliczek
September 23-October 23

Why is it that the girl from Brooklyn on scholarship to Peekskill is always loaning those snooty, trust fund girls money? Jo! Get a grip on yourself and your finances! Being generous is nice, but you’re on the air in the 80s, for heaven’s sake! Make a profit off those rich sows. May will be the time to take a stand and let your intentions be known. Natalie and Blair will object—how unusual—but remember, their families have money and your family is scraping by. Stand firm. Your actions are bound to cause some friction, so blow off some steam by riding your motorcycle through the Catskills. Take break-dancing lessons; learn karate. Just get out of the dorm and give others the space to adjust to the new, tougher you.

Andy Travis
October 24-November 22

Around the 13th of the month you’ll be feeling weighted down by the responsibilities of your job and all the interpersonal baggage that goes along with trying to supervise that bunch of zanies you lovingly call the gang at WKRP. Since you don’t have much of a social life right now—Mrs. Carlson keeps rebuffing your advances—it should be easy to focus on improving your work situation. Spend some time ironing out differences between you and your coworkers. Be diplomatic when you cajole Johnny Fever to play the A-side of those singles. Be honest, but kind-hearted, when you criticize Les Nesman for overplaying the hard news stories. He may be a Silver Sow winner, but he’s liable to take his own life one day. And go easy on Bailey, you know she lives to catch a glimpse of your cute butt in those tight jeans. Actually, what does Bailey do at the station?

Rhoda Morgenstern
November 23-December 21

Oiy! Rhoda, your work schedule is killing you. Maybe literally. You’ve gotten a lot of big window-dressing contracts from the good stores on 57th Street, but the pace is getting to be too much for you. All you have time for anymore are soft pretzels, hot dogs and pastrami on rye. Enough already! It may still be the 70s, but even Jimmy Carter is out jogging. Richard Simmons is on the horizon. Catch the wave, Rhoda. Get outside and push it. Roller skate through Central Park, jog along Broadway—anything. Just get in shape so you’ll look your best in your Danskin body suit and hip-hugging jeans, because a spring romance is in the air. For the romance to catch fire you have to make some lifestyle adjustments. Exercising is a good start, but also try not to be so negative in your assessments of people. Sure, Brenda’s a loser, but not everyone is.

Weezy Jefferson
December 22-January 19

You’ve been stepping out lately, Weezy, out from George’s tiny shadow. This is good. But don’t think that a new interest or romantic fling is right for you just because you tell yourself that it’s right. Exercise caution and don’t be too set on permanence. Act only on true feelings. Besides which, your attention will be demanded by work. Jefferson Cleaners has been busy this past winter and you’ve had a few run-ins with the employees. May is a good month to work out those grievances—give Florence the raise she wants, but insist that she at least answer the door once and a while. Don’t cut yourself off from friends while you deal with work. You don’t have all the time in the world for Helen these days, but, girl, you know she’s got the advice.

Willy Wonka
January 20-February 18

It’s time to inject a little feeling into your life, Willy. Get out of that stuffy factory and enjoy yourself! Go incognito and meet new people. Now is the time for some Wonka-style romance. The Oom-pah-loom-pahs will understand if you take some time away from them to pursue l’amore. They have lives of their own, after all—secret, little lives spent in the catacombs and air ducts of the chocolate factory. And Charlie and his family would love a break from you, too. Uncle Joe still doesn’t trust you. He still thinks you got a bit flaky toward the end of the tour. A romance will make you seem a little more, well, normal. Don’t stop working hard, however, and keep on re-evaluating your strengths and weaknesses. Just don’t miss out on the biggest sugar-rush of them all: a zesty spring fling.

Lisa Simpson
February 19-March 20

Now is not the time for action, young Lisa. Now is the time for thoughtful introspection. As the plaintive strains of “The Theme from Mahogany” asked, “Do you know where you’re going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you?” Get out and canvass the citizens of Springfield, Lisa. How do they feel and how can these insights be applied to your own life? When Flanders prays, does he get all quaky and shaky with the love of God bearing down on his mortal soul? Does Mayor Quimbly feel any remorse over his moral transgressions with bimbos half his age? Does Homer ever think of anything but food? The answers are bound to trouble your sensitive soul, and they may appear contradictory, but live with the uncertainty for a while. Don’t try to force answers, and don’t make decisions now. If you do, your actions may leave the rest of the family disgruntled. Remember: they like living pathetic, empty lives.

Fred Flintstone
March 21-April 19

You’ve been working pretty hard, Fred, and some new projects and plans may be headed your way down the Brontosaurus-line at the quarry. But these opportunities will help you realize that in order to succeed you sometimes must give up things you value most. Isn’t life a kicker? Here you are, Fred, down on your luck most of the time, barely enough rocks in the pocket to stretch to the next paycheck, and now Mr. Slate says if you want to be quarry supervisor you can’t fraternize with the working stiffs like Barney. What do you really value, Fred? A little extra cash or bowling with Barney while Wilma and Betty are at home doing God knows what? The answers will be clear as the month progresses. Around every corner you’ll be confronted with the issues of your close friendships and what they mean to you.

Caffeine
Post Office Box 4767