Story by Jim Johns; photos by Carla J. Schmitt
It may have started with the Egyptians. At least that’s what archeologists who have unearthed remnants of a suspicious, bowling-like game in northern Africa believe. A hard day boating on the Nile with Cleopatra turned into a relaxing evening of bowling.
By the Middle Ages, the Europeans were getting into the habit. Of course, they added a distinctly religious overtone to the sport. When German bowlers missed the lone pin, representing evil, they did penance.
Suffering recreational persecution, the Dutch packed their bowling bags, slipped on their bowling clogs and brought the game to America. In the New World, bowlers began practicing their Constitutional rights, organizing to protect their rights as free bowlers on a pristine, freedom-loving continent.
Today, thanks to organizations like the American Bowling Congress, all people can bowl side by side just the way our Founding Fathers envisioned. People of all religious backgrounds, young or old, expert or beginner, in wheelchairs or even visually-disabled people.
That is the beauty of bowling: politics aside, there are rules. And skill is everything.
The wrath of the experts
Ten Pin Coliseum, host facility of the 1994 Summer of Discontent Indie Music Bowl-A-Thon, knows how to bring out the best aspects of the American Dream. In addition to being touted as a bowling alley where a blind person bowled a 260 (The best you can bowl is 300; the average is 120.), Ten Pin is the highest scoring house in the City of Richmond.
Leading Richmond through this Second Millennium of bowling is Billy Thompson, general manager at Ten Pin Coliseum. Thompson and his crew have given Southside Richmond back its pride. One league has bowled 19 perfect games at Ten Pin.
Bowling amateurs may scoff, but the American Bowling Congress does regular inspections of the lanes.
To the untrained eye, one bowling lane looks like another. But it isn’t dumb luck that makes Ten Pin the place to roll the ball. Thompson, a computer programmer (and drummer), and his staff wax the lanes to benefit their bowlers.
“It used to be called ‘blocking’ lanes when we weren’t allowed to do it,” says Thompson. Wax is applied thicker on one side of the lane, creating the block. Experienced bowlers recognize this and learn to use it to their advantage.
But there isn’t anything illegal in the way Ten Pin waxes their lanes. Ask the ABC—their lane inspections certify perfect games bowled in a sanctioned league. The inspectors search for tilts, dents and the consistency of the oil used on lanes. The exhausting process takes the crack experts upwards of six hours.
The common law of bowling
Experienced bowlers hunt for advantages. You’ve got the right shoes, the perfect ball and a crisp mental attitude. You’ve found the perfect bowling alley. The only thing missing is common sense and etiquette.
The Common Law of Bowling, as interpreted by Caffeine, is designed to help bowlers play an honest, fair and polite game.
Bowlers always should yield to the lane on their right. If the bowler to your right is preparing to bowl, step down and let her bowl. If the bowler to your left is preparing to bowl, technically you can step on up and ignore him. But the Common Law of Bowling suggests that you should probably let him bowl.
Lofting is a misunderstood term. Most people think they know a lofter or two, that bowler that heaves the 12-pounder at waist level. But how high you launch the ball has nothing to do with lofting. Toss the ball over your head and you still won’t be chastised for lofting. The first 18 feet of the lane is maple. Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Orndorf could piledrive your head into that maple without nicking it.
It’s when bowlers hurl the ball past that initial 18 feet that they are lofters and fools. Past the maple is soft pine that will dent like a soft skull when a ball smacks into it from above. Bowling on dented lanes is like sleeping in burlap sheets. It’s just not right.
“Lofting is something hotshot bowlers do when they’re not playing well,” says Thompson.
Do not walk in front of other bowlers, especially when they are preparing to launch. If you need a corn dog, take the long way.
Avoid delays. Sure, everyone is interested in how Prozac affects your mood, but save it for later. “Shut up and bowl” is part of the preamble to the Common Law of Bowling.
Confine that body language to the width of your lane. Body language is a powerful tool. Don’t be bashful about controlling the rolling ball with a jiggle of the hips. Bowling is not a contact sport, however, so don’t go dancing into another lane when you get excited.
Do not “mark the approach.” In other words, keep your fly Doc Martens off the floors. Bowling shoes have leather soles to let you slide into your launch. The soles of your Docs—the anti-bowling footwear—were designed to keep you from sliding on smooth surfaces.
Do not roll the ball until the automatic pin setter is finished doing its job. If you break it, you buy it. Do you really need an automatic pin spotter taking up space in your Fan apartment?
Do not walk on the lane. Walking on those waxed lanes is like walking on butter. Don’t cross the foul line. If you cross the line, you get a zero for that bowl.
Keep your language and temper in check. No one likes a sewer mouth.
Don’t forget to cheer. There’s nothing more exciting than bowling a lousy game as your expert friends score into the 200-range. Group hug only if you must.
