from staff reports
In an election that would have sent former President Richard M. Nixon to his grave, the ballot boxes in the Second District allegedly were stuffed, stealing a certain victory from Caffeine’s candidate, Richard Sebastian.
“We have no proof, but it seems the same people who voted for Kennedy in Chicago and Dallas in 1960 cast their votes for Warthen and Kaine,” says Caffeine Minister of Information Jim Johns. “Most of them were dead in 1960. I’m not convinced they simply moved to Richmond.”
The city registrar’s office reported that Sebastian, a self-proclaimed prophet running on a platform of Doom ‘n’ Gloom for Richmond, received 2 votes, barely edged out by Benjamin “Mr. Main Street” Warthen and winner Timothy “Shine ‘n’ Polish” Kaine.
But the war continues. Ancient scrolls uncovered by Sebastian and used as the framework for his campaign indicate that a great beast will devour Richmond before the next election. “Now is no time for flagellation,” Sebastian says. “We must stand fast against promises of urban theme parks, Olympic-sized swimming pools and bio-manipulating research parks.”
Information Minister Johns says the Sebastian campaign will not contest the election. “What is written will be. As Sebastian has prophesied, a great beast will consume our fair city. That beast has many names: Ukrop, Jewel, Trani. Its loins are the West End, its incubator is the Commonwealth Club and its hunger is insatiable. It must be defeated.”
