This is a good month for one of your self-improvement schemes, like when you took ballroom dancing classes with Barney. All signs point to your ability to evolve in April, but only if you stay true to your self—that means be loud and selfish, but also full of energy and inspiration for others. Don’t let the good times get out of hand at work, however, your standing at the stone quarry is on the rocks. You are due for a confrontation by the 23rd; don’t let that argument be with Mr. Slate. You may have the urge to act hastily and do something you’ll regret later—you always do—but remember: this is the month to evolve. Try to avoid impulsive behavior for a change.
Julie Cooper
April 20-May 20
You’ll be on shaky ground this month and it’s not just all the speed you’ve been taking. You’ll feel the need to speak out and right the wrongs you see around you. While communicating is always a good thing, especially for stoic you, too much unreflective babbling will only get you in worse trouble. Example: This is not the month to tell Ann that you want to live by your rules in her house, er, apartment. Try instead to be less of a pain in the ass. Enjoy yourself without inconveniencing everyone else. This is it, this is life, so go and have a blast. Just don’t get so stoned you forget to come home.
Peter Brady
May 21-June 21
Other people see you as too flighty and flippant to have serious aspirations. The rest of the Brady gang support’s Greg’s plans to become a photographer, a football hero and, of course, Johnny Bravo, big-time rock-and-roller. You, however, as seen by the rest of the clan as a wiseacre, now and forever. Not so, Peter. Start looking for practical ways to live out your dreams and you’ll be surprised with the results. After all, you’re one of the few Brady’s to find any kind of success and happiness following the demise of “The Brady Bunch”—Greg’s tell-all book be damned!
Rog
June 22-July 22
Bust outta your shell this month, Rog. It’s always contemplate, contemplate, contemplate for you. Well, now is the time to take action! Express your ideas for improving service at the burger joint. The manager may like your plans so much that he’ll hire you on the spot. Sure, Shirley may be out of a job, but, hey, she’ll understand in a few years. What is important is that you understand the value of your interactions with other people. If Shirley hits you upside the face, what is she really trying to say? Maybe it’s that she cares for you more than she can express in words. Try to talk it out.
Pinky Tuscadero
July 23-August 22
You’re getting the urge to head down that highway on another adventure, Pink. This time make sure your financial and interpersonal responsibilities are in order before you bust down that garage door and peel down the streets of Milwaukee. If you don’t consider changing the way you handle situations, small problems will only grow. And the Fonz won’t be able to snap his fingers and make it all better.
Laurie Partridge
August 23-September 22
Doesn’t it seem like every time you try and forge an emotional bond someone comes along and trounces your feelings? First, Danny suckers you in with his little boy looks and then, wham! Next thing you know, he’s extorting your allowance because you stayed out too late one night and Shirley doesn’t know. Yet. The only answer to these troubles is to hang in there, baby. You must stay around people, exploring relationships. If you drop out of the band and stop trying to meet Mr. Right in a Bobby Sherman choker, you may never get to sing, “I woke up in love this morning, went to bed with you on my mind.”
Jo Pamliczek
September 23-October 23
Is your friendship with Blair really paying off? She gets the benefit of your down-home, practical advice and you always fix her car. What do you get from here, Jo? On the 10th, you’ll suddenly be struck with the desire to assess and perhaps even improve your close relationships. Also, Peekskill is really starting to work your nerves. You start to obsess over power and money at month’s end, but remember, “richness” isn’t always monetary. Yeah, right.
Andy Travis
October 24-November 22
I hope you have been having some fund lately, Andy (good, clean fun), because it’s nothing but work for you in April. WKRP was just starting to climb from the ratings cellar and then suddenly: leadership: down! ad revenue: down! Les Nesmond: out of the running for another Golden Sow award! Fear not, Andy—a little fast talking with Carlson and your job will be safe. But don’t forget the lessons of the past few months when words from the heart got you further than a wiggle of your painted-on jeans.
Rhoda Morgenstern
November 23-December 22
Look on the bright side this month, Rhoda. You always combine your easy going nature with a whole lot of anxiety over doing the right thing. In April, put your anxieties to rest. Relax among friends, take a jazzercise class or take a hike through Central Park—with a can of mace, of course. Safety first, even when you are trying to relax. If you ignore the need to clear your thoughts now, you could be heading for an emotional upset on the 25th. The platform shows could be flying at Brenda’s head, if you let little things fester and grow into full-fledged Sturm und Drang. Exuberant living is to be commended, but they invented the word dysfunctional for a reason.
Weezy Jefferson
December 22-January 19
Moving uptown to your mansion in the sky has taken more of a toll on you than you expected. At this time you need to draw on your vast store of motivation to get the job done. Don’t forget to ask yourself why you feel the need to do what you are doing. Often you are surrounded by the exaggerated antics of Florence and George, and your emotional reserve is a welcome antidote. However, more is a-changing than your address and hairstyle. Look deep inside yourself and draw on your creative strengths to overcome your fears of relating emotionally to others. The 25th would be a good time to entertain friends with a reading of your new poem, “I Am Weezy, Hear Me Roar.”
Willy Wonka
January 20-February 18
Get out and mix with people, Willy. Pleasing the masses has brought you fame and success. Even if you loathe the common man, get in touch with his needs again or you could really stifle your creativity, not to mention your pocketbook. This also is a good time to spruce up your home digs. Now that Charlie and his enormous family have moved into the factory, you really should spruce the place up. Put some of that candy wallpaper around the living quarters and fix that crazy glass elevator.
Lisa Simpson
February 19-March 20
Often money seems unimportant to your little, philosophic soul. You’ve been known to refuse a loan to Bart (at first, then your good heart gives in), but you spend freely on friends and other loved ones. During the first half of April, however, you really need to examine where the money in your life comes from and where it goes. Are you on the proper path to maximize your earning potential or are you just blowing wads of cash on useless items? By examining finances you may find that your troubles don’t come from a lack of earning power, but from your values being different from those around you. If this is the case, what needs to change—your values or the group? Be honest and by the 25th you should be back on path to the Simpson’s wacky adventures.
