By Richard Sebastian (Second District City Council candidate)
(Editor’s note: Caffeine’s interest in politics stems back to the early days of our publishing venture. It was last fall that we attempted to “Rock the Vote,” as they say, by covering the candidacy of Beau Artabazon, a candidate for the House of Delegates. He lost.
Undaunted, we press forward in our quest to take back America and get what’s ours. Like Castro was to the Soviet Union, Richard Sebastian is to Caffeine. His words are inspiring and his message unclouded by political babble. Our interests are mutual; our rhetoric oddly similar. With Sebastian installed as the proxy for Richmond’s young jet setters, perhaps this city can return to the glorious past from whence it rose. Yeah, right.
Remember to vote on May 3. And read Sebastian’s platform on this page and an excerpt from a recent speech on page 18.)
Sots and whoremongers of city government—Beware!
I come with an Arm of Fire to cleanse the soiled marble halls of our fair city of statues and Statutes. The Wrath of Angels shall be my fist and the purifying Winds of Justice shall be my fiery brand! Beware!
Cower before my cleansing flames!
If you are old and twisted, your withered guts clotted with ample helpings of blood pudding—Beware! I am here to sully your evil feast! There is no room in my kingdom for Bloat!
If you are an usurer, your silk pockets lined with the stolen profits of the oppressed—Beware! I am here to drive you naked into the Wilderness! Greed shall find no solace in my realm.
If you are dull and soft-witted, and make erratic movements with your hands—Beware! I am here to geld and pummel you and call you Daft! Fools shall be lost in my empire.
If you are silk-suited and golden-tongued and trim your mustache over a porcelain basin with sweet-smelling rose water—Beware! I am here to chastise and harangue you! Vanity shall wither under the severity of my rule.
Let those with crusted-over-bones who dance like ghouls on their Carpets of Injustice know that I come to expel the festering Pestilence that has infected the cavities and viscous passages of Mother Richmond. I come with vim and vigor, and with the terrible swiftness of an Angel of Death—Beware!
Lie down and accept your Doom! Your prostrate forms will be bruised and trampled by the March of the Unshaven, Disinherited Mob of Godless Scenesters.
The Time of Purgation has arrived, and those Nine Kings with blood dripping from their cannibal jaws will finally receive their prophesied Damnation. They shall all fall.
Hypocrites!
You are an Abomination, a Blemish on the Republic of Richmond.
Let there be Elections.
