MARCH 1994 | VOLUME 1 | ISSUE 7
Horoscope NoirBy Clay DyeHappy Birthday, Lisa Simpson Your long fuse burns completely down to the stick of dynamite and Ka-boom! Boy, do you get angry around the 15th! Bart better not mess with your Butterfinger now or he’ll be losing his fingers real quick. To avoid a scene, Lisa, burn off your rage with exercise or a few good blasts on your sax. By the end of the month, you should be too busy with work and school to be angry at the world. Early April will be a time to share with your friends—but guard against jealousies. Remember how Bart and his friends fought like Banshees over the first issue of Radioactive Man? Don’t let such a tragedy happen to you. Fred Flinstone It’s bedlam in Bedrock, Fred. Everything seems topsy-turvy and confusing, but, hey, at least you’re evolving. Gazoo enters your life this month. Yeah, that magical, little green guy has the power to give you want you want, but be careful. Often, the things you want most will throw your life into the Paleozoic Age. Look deeply into your prehistoric soul this month and dream of a future where cars are powered by motors instead of your swollen, calloused feet. Dream of the future, but don’t ignore the chaos of your present. Don’t drop a load of rocks onto Mr. Slate—even if he deserves it. Julie Cooper This is time to reach out, Julie. Good times are your for the taking—smoking in the bathroom at school or playing air-guitar to “Wildfire.” As usual, responsible figures (such as Ann and Barbara) are hovering close at hand to point out your mistakes. However, this month you are the one with the answers and they’re the ones with all the grief. Go easy on them. You’ve got a few, rare good weeks coming and the last thing you need is to screw up your damaged karma. Peter Brady Responsibility and authority figures loom large in your life by mid-March. As usual, you are trying to avoid both in a big way. It’s like when you played ball in the house and broke the treasured vase. You managed to duck the blame and let the rest of the Brady kids take the heat. You finally fessed up and everything turned out for the best. But, that’s TV, Peter. This is real life. Prepare for confrontations and maybe some disappointments. Be careful in cars. Remember when Greg swerved to miss a car because he was reading an album jacket while driving? Rog You really have the chance to break free from some annoying patterns this month, Rog. It will be a month of socializing with friends mixed with retreating into yourself and ignoring people (nothing new here). But, there are many opportunities in March involving career achievement and test-taking (Cramming for the SAT, Rog?) Take a chance on love on the 24th or 25th. You could just meet the girl you married in the final season. Of course, everyone stopped watching the show at that point because you were getting bogged down by life. Don’t let that pattern continue—bust a move! Pinky Tuscadero Didn’t I tell you that this would be a year of money trouble—especially trouble with other people’s money? Perhaps you’re not getting a fair share from all your motorcycle exhibitions. Try to get to the source of your money hassles, but use some tact. Usually it’s your way or the highway, but a new approach might do you some good this month, Pink. You could be surprised with the results. Ready cash in hand, you’ll be ready to hit the highway by the end of March for a pleasure trip. Laurie Partridge You finally have a showdown around the 15th with your partners about some nagging work-related or romantic problems. The band may finally give you your due, as a result, and let you sing solo. Your creativity blossoms around March 19 and you may just compose your first song, “I Think I Love You, But I’m Too Neurotic To Handle It.” It’s so “I’ll Meet You Halfway,” but it’s a solid start. The rest of the month goes extremely well. Enjoy these times, Laurie, it won’t be long before Danny puts shaving cream in your platform shoes and hides all your hip-hugger jeans. Jo Pamliczek Things will be getting tense with your co-workers. The girls at the pastry shop at dieting again as swimsuit weather nears. Health concerns are highlighted this month—Blair must be binging and purging again. Take some time for yourself and do some of your favorite things—rebuild a carburetor or polish those Harley boots. Just beware of friends asking for favors. Andy Travis Things at work and in your love life seem to be improving. New creative ways for doing things meet with great success—in the end, that is. Getting there isn’t always easy. It’s like when you got Mr. Carlson to sponsor that great English punk band, “Scum of the Earth.” It looked like the best band promotion in WKRP history. Then the band wouldn’t perform unless the WKRP staff could take them in a rumble. What were the odds of that? It still turned out better than the turkey giveaway via helicopter. Rhoda Morgenstern By the week of the 14th of March, you’ve really got heavy-duty indigestion and it looks like it won’t end—Brenda’s staying with you because her ceiling caved in. Ida’s staying with you because she’s mad at your father. Carlton the Doorman has lost all your mail. Just when you can’t take anymore, everyone starts to be nice to you. All in all, it turns out to be a great month in Minneapolis as the spring thaw arrives and career advancement comes knocking. Fairy tales can come true, even for a girl from the Bronx—at least for a week or two. Weezy Jefferson So much change and so many things have been going on in your life, you may just find yourself racing in circles just trying to keep up with yourself. But slow down, girl. If you speed up Fifth Avenue too fast, you’re liable to get a ticket. Lionel comes for a visit and you’ll spend time with the family toward the end of March. Everyone will notice the changes in you, especially the women. Florence will be cheering you on and Helen will give good counsel as you outwit George yet again. You are on a roll, Weezy! Willy Wonka Panic! You gave Charlie the chocolate factory, but did you set enough Wonka Dollars aside for retirement? Don’t be confrontational over money matters or things surely won’t go your way. And you sure don’t want another tongue-lashing from Grandpa Joe. Address the money issue calmly, and then a happier you emerges later in March. You will frolic in the chocolate river with the Oom-pah-loom-pahs and don’t worry, you know the currents to well to get sucked into one of those tubes like that fat German kid. You’ll be back to your old self by April—shocking tourists with your wit and bizarre antics. |