NOVEMBER 1993 | VOLUME 1 | ISSUE 4
Horoscope NoirBy Clay Dye Happy Birthday, Andy Travis! And what a month for a birthday. November starts in total confusion, then change, power and enlightenment head your way. As the month ends, you’ll unwind amid the warm glow of the WKRP family. And if you’ve been paying attention to your self-esteem, psychic center and the child within, you might just be a happier station manager by December. You need to look at what you want to accomplish and how you plan to get there—you’ve always been prone to traveling up and down the dial, maybe you need a new tactic. It’s the 90s, Andy! Program those stations digitally. Rhoda Morgenstern Hopefully you’ve been joining some new clubs and expanding your view of the world these last few months. Early in the month you’ll need to maintain involvement with your Pet Rock Club, while also attending to more personal needs. If you take on a new project before the 13th, make sure that you’re not the only beneficiary. Look for activities that help a larger group or ideal. Don’t join another window dressing association, but rather the greater New York B’nai B’rith. Your perennial personal demons arrive at mid-month—mother Ida is coming for dinner and she’s bringing brisket. Instead of attacking her for being pushy, overbearing and insensitive, look at the reasons she treats you the way she does. Maybe it’s because you’re pushy, overbearing and insensitive. But, heck, by month’s end the holiday season starts and your happy-go-lucky nature should kick back in. Weezy Jefferson It’s been an introspective few months for you, but now is the time to jump back into the frying pan with the beans: your friends have missed you. Between the 9th and 16th you’ll be mediating the usual spats between the Willises, teaming up with Florence to teach George a lesson about trust, and having crumpets and tea with Bentley. Instead of just hanging out with your friends, however, you’ll be trying to adjust them to the new world order you’ve been mulling over for months. This may leave you feeling overextended. Beware: by month’s end, you may feel like you’ll never get up that hill. You may never get George to stop calling your daughter-in-law “the Zebra,” and, Lord knows, you’ll have a hard time getting Florence to work, but give it a try. Just don’t blame yourself if it doesn’t work. Willy Wonka Work, work, work—you’ve been obsessed by work lately. The first part of the month is the perfect time to sit back and take a break from the chocolate grind. After the 13th, put some new ideas into action—but think with your heart for a change. Give the Oom-pah-loom-pahs a raise or stop inflicting gross deformities upon your guests. A creative outburst will end the month, but be careful you don’t set yourself up for failure with unrealistic goals, like the everlasting Gobstopper. Did you really think it would last forever? High hopes are great, but don’t let them kill your spirit. Lisa Simpson You are always at the psychic center of activity, whether you’re aware of it or not. This is the month to be aware and disciplined in your actions. Get out into the world and make it work for you (for a change). Give those educational plans the once-over. Anyone can take classes—Mr. Burns even sent Homer to college—but not everyone gets much out of their studies. Ask yourself if current plans will get you where you want to go. Ask yourself if you can balance family and success. Ask yourself why you ended up in such a family of losers. Be prepared for answers that might cause conflict with loved ones. Just because you want to change doesn’t mean those around you are going to change with you. Homer will always want another donut and Bart will always laugh at the antics of Itchy and Scratchy. Them’s the breaks, kid. Fred Flintstone Early in the month you’ll experience a lot of change and new ideas, but don’t get too excited. After all, you live in the Stone Age, most everything is new to you. Don’t act impulsively, which is like asking you not to wolf down too many Brontosaurus burgers. But, anyway, do your best. You’ll be having some money trouble by mid-month, but now is not the time to ask Mr. Slate for a raise. You don’t want to start any arguments right now. The money trouble signifies trouble in other areas of your life. What is it you feel you are being denied? Gazoo doesn’t show up for a few seasons yet, so you’ll need to find what you need on your own. Julie Cooper Make the extra effort to speak your mind this month with those close to you. That’s easy enough for you, but this time try to communicate clearly and without rancor. Barbara wants to dress up like Elton John and KiKi Dee again, but if you’re not in the mood, tell her not today. But do it nicely. (What is it about your sister and rock stars?) You may find yourself arguing with a partner over money and career needs around mid-month. Be careful not to listen to just your side of the story. Remember when you and your husband (that goofy guy with the beard) were arguing over who ran all 10 credit cards up to the limit? You said him. He said you. Ann just cut them all in half and said stop. Relationships, like careers, need commitment, hard work and clear thinking. Treat your husband like you treat your acting career. Um ... then again, maybe you just better be extra careful this month. Peter Brady The beginning of the month will frustrate you, fraught with misunderstanding. It will be like when Greg wanted to live by “exact words” or when Alice was accidentally snitching on everyone or even when Marcia was grounded for missing curfew because she was out mailing a father-of-the-year nomination letter. Getting work done (even though you’d rather not) should be your mantra this month. This tactic will get you ahead. You may even get better grades than Marcia if you keep the pressure on yourself. Be careful with your health, though. You could experience an emotional upset or conflict this month. Even with Buddy Lipton on the horizon, try to do what is right for you. Start with a physical regimen on the 13th—why is Greg the only athlete in the family anyway? Rog You like being a homebody. You certainly love fussing around the house, but this month you’ll need to socialize more and not get so uptight when things don’t go your way. You’ll likely need to involve other people’s money and ideas to get a personal project off the ground. Just be careful you know all the details, especially before the 15th. Remember when you got heavily involved with Duane’s football betting scheme only to find out he picked the winners by their helmet designs? If things don’t seem to be going well by month’s end, don’t despair. Look deep inside yourself for the answers. You can do it. You may look like a supernerd, but you know you can get down and get funky with the best of ‘em. Pinky Tuscadero A burst of energy on the 9th has you enjoying good times with friends. Perhaps you’ll hammer a few guitar licks with sister Leather or pound the brewskies with Laverne DeFazio. The month’s new energy will also start you planning your next big adventure. Start slow, however, or your plans may upset loved ones. Plan to break your trashcan motorcycle-jumping record first, and then count on beating the Fonz’s record. If you try to beat his record first, you may damage his ego and provoke a fight. The Fonz is a sensitive guy, deep down. Remember when he took to wearing light blue T-shirts and building bird houses? By month’s end you’ll be roaring out of the garage on your bike, tearing up Milwaukee and beyond. Laurie Partridge Boy, are you the grouch until the 15th. You’re irritable all month, but, boy, are you really irritable until the 15th. You’ve got ideas, you’ve got plans, but no one is acting on them. Keith won’t let you sing solo and Shirley won’t let you drive the bus. Patience. Those dreams may happen; they probably won’t happen now. So work on other, personal, relationship-related goals for now. Spend some time with Tracy. (Teach her to play that damn tambourine, for God’s sake.) Guard against isolation while you wait for change to arrive. It will come, but in the meantime you don’t want to end up like that girl from Albuquerque—a lonely little runaway with teardrops in her eyes holding a whole family hostage with a shotgun tucked away inside a guitar case. Jo Pamliczek “Money, that’s all I want. Give me lots and lots of money.” That was the catch phrase during the decade you spent holed up with Blair and Natalie and the gang in boarding school. You may find yourself muttering those same words this month if you aren’t careful. Sure, money is important, but are you at boarding school to make bucks or get smarts? Whatever the answer, don’t sign the dotted line before the 15th. After that: watch out, because there is plenty of money to be made. But don’t let your Reagan Youth mentality keep you from having a good time this month. While you play the stock market and dream about morning in America, ask yourself what is really important in your life. Is it family dinners back in Brooklyn or being able to buy and sell Blair after graduation? |