SEPTEMBER 1993 | VOLUME 1 | ISSUE 2
Horoscope NoirBy Clay Dye Happy Birthday, Laurie Partridge! Oh so witty and hip! You really know how to work a situation and you never let us see you sweat. But what sort of angst fuels that sarcastic wit? Mom favors the boys (just look at poor Tracy), you never had a real date and you’re anorexic. When you grow up and finally get your own show, it’s way lame. Besides, Keith will always be prettier. Forecast: What are we going to do with you? You were having a good couple of months, but your hipper-than-thou martyr ways have served to isolate you from friends and family. Your voice is weak; you’re no longer hitting all of the high notes. Get it together, or you’ll miss the big gig to Vegas in that kooky bus. Your greatest isolation is from your siblings. Sure, Keith is a twit, Danny is a criminal, and Tracy and Chris are borderline autistics, but that doesn’t make you better than them. Your faults just don’t show as easily. Remember the lesson from that Partridge hit: “I’ll meet you halfway, it’s better than no way.” Live it. Jo from the “Facts of Life” You can be indecisive about your own life, but boy oh boy, you sure can advise others on theirs. You like to be the center of things and are always gathering the gang for one more pint of ice cream. You like the finer things in life. (How else can you explain a middle-class motorcycle girl like yourself at that snooty boarding school?) Guard against indulgence. Forecast: Your whole schtick–going to a prep school, living and working in the cafeteria to save money–is paying off. You’re getting ahead of the game and have finally gained some financial power. You are a product of the 80s, though, so don’t go and blow your wad. Don’t let Natalie and Tutti talk you into financing a quick money scheme. Don’t try to outspend Blair now that you can. And don’t lose that level-headedness that you picked up from your motorcycle pals. After all, it got you out of “da hood” and into ritzy Peekskill. WKRP’s Andy Travis Sex is your weapon, but your sexy image may be just that—image. Sure you’ve got the painted-on jeans and open neck shirts and a groovy hair cut, but you never date either! Correction: you had one date with Mrs. Carlson. That date demonstrated once again your need to control things, rather than a need to get laid. All this sexual manipulation and control comes from a feeling of being unwanted. But, hey, you’re the boss and nobody crosses you. Forecast: What a month, Andy! You will be full of unbridled energy. The thrill seeker that you are, you will soon be exposed for all to see. Live out those desires! Dress in leather. Ride motorcycles. Fire Herb Tarleck. Date Herb Tarleck–whatever you want to do. Just make sure those changes are positive and life-affirming. For starters, stop parting your hair in the middle. Rhoda Morgenstern Things rarely go right, but they never go wrong either. You retain your happy-go-lucky nature even with your foot in your mouth. You are vexed by the daily traumas of life: Carlton the doorman, your mother Ida, but somehow you manage to rise above it. You do need your “space” and don’t like confrontation. Remember how you kicked out Joe because he left his underwear lying around, and then you wouldn’t let him plead his case? Forecast: Oh, Rhoda! We always knew you laughed so you wouldn’t cry. We just never knew how bad it really was. And it’s only going to get worse this month. It’s the 70s in New York City–the Big Apple is broke, you’re wearing hip-huggers and Gypsy scarves around your head, and Barry Manilow is on the charts. When will it end? Well, no time soon. But, stop taking it all so personally. Brenda, Ida and everyone else are experts at playing on your paranoia. Take a personal time out. Join an EST class. Relax, if you can. Weezy Jefferson At times you may be scared of your power to control people and situations. George and Florence duke it out, but you prefer the quiet approach, until pushed. Then watch out. You will come out swinging to defend what’s yours. And you always win. Never forget: Florence may have the world’s easiest job, but she’s still wearing the housedress, while you, babe, are movin’ on up. Forecast: You really feel out of your element this month. You thought that with a whole lot of trying you’d get up that hill, that everything would be just fine. You thought once in the big leagues you’d get your turn at bat and hit a homer. Well, you’re there, but you don’t care. You want out of the game and into a less hard-driving, more diverse place. And no, Bentley and the Willis’ don’t fit the multicultural bill. (That word hasn’t even been invented yet.) Go hang out in a Jamaican neighborhood, get corn rows, wear a dashaki, learn Hungarian. Now is the time to experiment. Let George social climb by himself for a while. Willy Wonka Inventive, different, erratic, you can be a real genius with appeal for the masses—the number one chocolate manufacturer in the world. Your likes run to the bizarre, even to the verge of being sort of sick. (You liked it when Violet swelled like a balloon and floated away. Sure it was your candy, but you warned the rotten brat.) You may have some trouble matching your mass appeal in one-to-one relationships, though. (Even when you were trying to be nice to Charlie in the glass elevator, you were still pretty creepy. If I were Grandpa Joe, I’d be keeping my eye on you.) Forecast: Careful now. Sure you want to do good in the world, but thinking like Ghandi while acting like Ghadaffi isn’t going to bring you celestial acceptance. Don’t you think you’re sometimes a little too harsh? Sure Veruca was a bad egg, but turning Violet into a giant blueberry? Come on. And that boat ride? You take a pleasant float down a chocolate river in a candy boat and make it a sinister voyage to hell and back. Better make sure your methods are as scrupulous as your intentions. Sure, you’re giving the chocolate factory to Charley. That’s nice, but it doesn’t make you infallible. Leave that to the pope. Lisa Simpson Sweet-tempered, whimsical, slow to anger and often musical, you always hold out for the best in life. You know things can be bad (you live with Bart and Homer), but you continue to strive for higher ideals. Remember when you gave up your lucrative football-betting scheme for the love of your father? You can be a real idiot, too. Forecast: You’ve really been thinking the big thoughts lately, I mean big thoughts, much bigger than usual. Questions about how you live your life and why, questions about man’s inhumanity to man flood your being. Why won’t anyone listen? You can’t give your mind to television like Homer, and you want to affirm life, not cheat at it like Bart. But, the Flanders’ servile Christianity isn’t the route for you, you want a more direct approach. It’s just not business as usual anymore. You are considering asking Richard Gere to introduce you to the Dali Lama. Fred Flintstone You’re loud, primordial and everything you do is about what you want. Forget what Wilma wants. But somehow, you’re charming too. How else can you explain Wilma and Barney hanging on and taking the abuse? Forecast: You are not as simple as you seem, Fred. We just see a Stone Age lout, but there is so much churning inside of you. And we’re not talking about those five Stegosaurus burgers. You are questioning your identity this month, especially your sexual identity. Why do you spend more time with Barney than Wilma? Why are you so snippy with Betty–does she have something you want? Don’t be afraid of the answers. The truth never hurts, so talk about your feelings. Just because you’re prehistoric doesn’t mean you can’t change. Julie from “One Day at a Time” You’re selfish and headstrong (great combo). But, hey, this is life, so go and have a ball. Your prime motivators are food and sex (a close second are drugs and money). You never give in unless one or both of your prime needs are threatened. (Remember when you shacked up in Illinois with your cheesy boyfriend? Good sex, maybe, but you came home real quick when you realized mom wouldn’t feed you long distance.) Forecast: Gosh, you think you are so agreeable–you can take anything that comes your way. If so, why are you always butting heads with your mom? Barbara is the flexible one–good grades, good disposition–she gets along with people. You, Julie, have set yourself up as an authority unto yourself. Oh, how worldly and wise you think you are. The stars have had enough. You live in Indianapolis, for God’s sake! This month won’t be filled with certainty; you’ll need to prove you’re as flexible as you think you are. Peter Brady You are a wiseacre and a mimic (pork chops and applesauce). Who else could get away with itching powder in the sleeping bags and the exploding volcano? You often seek the truth at the expense of others’ feelings. Forecast: You have been good lately, playing along with the game of life. You tell Marsha she’s pretty, Jan she’s smart and Greg–you tell him sure he has a future in the music business. That Johnny Bravo thing, why it’s the first of many offers. Yeah, you’ve learned how to shovel it. But your new sense of working within the system has brought you needed peace of mind and a sense of accomplishment. Being the good twin is fine, but deep down you still want to tell Alice to fuck off and mind her own housekeeping business. Rog from “What’s Happening” You are a real nurturer. You selflessly take care of family and friends. You easily overlook the shortcomings of those close to you (no one else would put up with that bitchy sister and those dorky friends ReRun and Duane). You rarely criticize people (you’d never say, “Shirley, you fat!”), but you start to whine when you don’t get your way (it really bugs people). Forecast: Your home life is much more turbulent and disturbed than you want to admit. All these years Duane and Rerun have envied your fulfilling familial bonds. They just don’t know what Momma is like when the friends aren’t around. You do. It might be too late to save sister Dee, but face your troubles before you land on the Montel Williams Show explaining what you were doing with that ax. Pinky Tuscadero You live a life of excitement and glamour. Motorcycles, red hair and pink jackets are your style. Who else could motorcycle jump more trashcans than the Fonz? Who could be cooler than, well, the Fonz? Forecast: Do you really think you’re the homespun type? You always want to outshine the competition. Lately, you’ve been eyeing the white picket fence thing, trying to get a little of the “Father Knows Best” action. You think: good ratings, steady work, pays well. Seems like a winner, right? Well, maybe it’s not right for you. Marriage to anyone right now is likely to be short-lived. You’re no Ward Cleaver, baby. Get on that hog, sideswipe June Lockhart and ride. |