Revolutionaries Strike Against Gov. Felix

By John Sarvay

Virginia’s first terrorist group in recent memory has struck its first blow against the state political machine.

In a move that has left officials in the governor’s office nervously perplexed, a terrorist group recently kidnapped a large Gumby doll from a residence in James City County, east of Richmond.

The Jehu Revolutionary Front (JRF) said its demands were “simple…Gumby will return safe…on one condition: Governor George Allen must donate $5.00 to the Richmond Daily Planet.” In a written statement released to local media, the group said the intent of their demand was not partisan, but was a demand for the government to assume a more personal role with “the people it alleges to serve.”

The message was slightly different on the night of May 5, when an alleged member of the JRF leapt onto the stage at Twisters with Gumby in his arms just before the band Drive Like Jehu started their set. The JRF terrorist held a gun to the stuffed creature’s head as the singer for Drive Like Jehu recited the group’s demands.

Simply put, the JRF demanded that Gov. George Felix Allen resign or Gumby will die.

In a vague statement of intent released before the show, the JRF said “the oligarchic nature of the present power structure in this country has denied the people access to the institutions and officials that shape the conditions of our existence.” The group did not elaborate on the nature of structure with which they wish to replace the current one.

The group also apologized to the owners of Gumby in their statement, noting that they are “confident that they too will hear the call and be proud that ‘he’ who was once merely Pokey’s sidekick, will be forever remembered as the martyr of justice.” When Caffeine went to press, the local media reported that Gumby had been returned, an indication that the JRF may be simply another weak-willed movement of pseudo-revolutionary glory-hounds.